Someone said something very nice to me tonight via chat. While I appreciate it immensely, I couldn’t help but feel worse afterwards.
I spend too much time thinking.
I don’t want to come across as one of those whiny, Emo losers. I’m not after pity. I guess I’m just putting this down so I have a record of it for later. Maybe someday I can look back and say something like, “Boy, I was sooo naive then!” or, “I’m glad things seemed to work out 50 years later when Jesus came back.”
The reason my demeanor changed (other than possibly due to food deprivation) is because I feel like people are examining or judging me. I want to be better. I want to have a direction, but I don’t have one. I want to have goals, but I don’t have any. I feel like a failure under the momentary scrutiny and it bothers me. Maybe I am being irrational. Maybe not. I think the former.
I hate this feeling of despair that sits in my chest. I don’t want to disappoint my parents any more than I already have. I don’t want to be a burden on my family or society.
At this point, I would be elated if I could survive on my own. Seriously. Scraping by maybe, but completely self-sufficient. Unfortunately, I can’t even make this happen. I know a little about a plethora of things, but am not an expert at anything. Not enough to turn anything into a career and not enough to have any use at a job. I can’t even nail down my own interests. I flit from thing to thing like a crazed, caffeinated hummingbird, stopping only long enough to get a taste and then moving on to the new interest of the moment.
I hate being like this!
I wish I could focus on one thing for a substantial period of time. Even if I consciously make an effort, it never happens. My mind makes itself up and moves on to something else. I feel like a passenger in the back seat of a car. My brain is driving at breakneck speed and I don’t get to provide any input as to the direction we go next or when (if!) we stop. It’s maddening and completely demoralizing at best. I usually descend to utter despair after my nightly contemplation of my situation, though. I feel like it’s a stupid set of circumstances to be in and I wonder about how I let it come to be this way.
Maybe it’ll work out. Maybe it won’t. Maybe my destiny is to have to suckle the teat of the government for the entirety of my life. Maybe there is something else I am supposed to do (or not do). People always say, “God has a plan for you”, which is all fine and good. It’s a blanket statement that people make when they don’t know what else to say (Not that I want them to say anything. I’d rather not deal with it at all…). Who’s to say they are good plans? I make plans to go to bed. Nothing of note there. Boring, mediocre plans, but plans nonetheless. Not everybody has a wonderful life. The world is a stupid, moronic place and I may struggle like this for the rest of my meaningless existence (which it feels like to me). Has my point here been made?
For some reason I felt compelled to write this. I wish my thinking and reasoning (or lack thereof) weren’t so bass-ackward.